The Porridge Guides: Part 1

November 29, 2011 § 6 Comments

How to get your baby to not sleep through the night.

Yes that’s right, not sleep. It would be hypocritical of me to write a How To guide. Therefore here is my How Not To guide. Take from it what you will.

1. Decide that a dummy is not for you.

2. Your nipples are now pacifiers. Offer them up throughout the night at the merest hint of baby’s wakefulness or crying.

3. Decide that blankets and sheets are not for you. Ignore fact that baby in her growbag, whilst safe from suffocation risk, has hands that could give the polar icecaps a run for their money.

4. When attempting to stop nightfeeding, in order to soothe baby, introduce a sippy cup of water. Said cup will be demanded upon night waking for approximately the next three years.

5. Rock baby to sleep, gently and lovingly. Place baby in crib. Place weight of self over baby in crib, and peel off gently. If knee creaks upon leaving the room, recommence rocking.

6. Decide that to break rocking routine, controlled crying must be attempted. Give up controlled crying after approximately one hour. Dry own tears and baby’s. Commence rocking.

7. Ensure inconsistency of approach. One day decide you are all about the Gina Ford. The next decide that co sleeping may, indeed, be for you. A surefire way to ensure know one knows what they’re supposed to be doing, and you and baby never sleep through the night again.

Part 2, the Porridge Guide to not weaning your baby, coming soon.

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