Doris the bulldog. Floats? Or doesn’t float?

January 14, 2011 § 2 Comments

When I was, like, travelling, yar, around South America…I spent an inordinate amount of time watching a Brazilian gameshow where the contestants were stood in front of a tank of water and had to guess if an object ‘bóias?’ ‘ou não bóia?’ – ‘floats?’ ‘or doesn’t float?’ Strangely compelling.

Less compelling, though, the game I have been playing for the last year in my house. ‘Will chew?’ or ‘won’t chew’. Doris dog (snorey fat bulldog with the redeeming feature of one very nice speckled ear) (she has another ear, but it’s brown and less endearing) and I are embroiled in tense psychological warfare. On the rare occasion that she doesn’t get taken to play her role as fat snorey Shoreditch dog in OH’s office, she is left with me. And we do battle.

It’s not outright war. She’s far too clever a pup for that. Her domain is the conservatory come playroom and she chooses her victims carefully.

I thought I had it down. After the last plastic triceratops lost its tail, I have been clearing away all the dinosaurs. Prior to that she was partial to a bit of wood. So all jigsaws and board books have been shelved. But this morning I took 3yo and 1yo swimming, leaving her alone for an hour. In that time she ate: one teddy bear’s arm (intergalactic ted, one of my favourites), one new Brio train, and was halfway through Iggle Piggle when I caught her red-pawed.

Doris 1 Lexie 0. She sleeps in that goddamned room every single night! Without so much as a nibble! But then OH is home. I’m wondering if a cardboard cutout of him pinned to the wall might do the trick. No amount of walks, dog treats or ear stroking seems to endear her to me. I’ll hold myself back from throwing her in the lake and seeing if she floats. But if Macca Packa goes the same way as Iggle Piggle, you’ve got yourself one mother of an opponent, Doris my dear pooch.

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