now if you could just cover silly point, midwife Martin*

April 11, 2011 § 6 Comments

When my friend was training to become a midwife, it was amusing to discover that in midwife-speak ‘delivering a child’ is known as as ‘catching.’ She had to catch a certain quota before she qualified.

Now I’m no expert, but hey I’ve had a couple myself, witnessed a couple (my brothers, both delivered at home), and I’m a seasoned One Born Every Minuter, but it doesn’t seem to me that babies hurtle out at the speed of light to be fielded with a valedictory ‘gotcha’ and much high-fiving. Midwives aren’t spaced about the delivery room covering short-mid-on or deep-square-leg fielding positions (actually I could be onto something here).  No it seems to me that babies are mostly pulled into being, or guided, forceped, or yoinked.

3yo has been talking a lot lately about the process of delivering my baby. He is fascinated. So far he has gleaned that the baby will come out of of my ‘baby hole’ (thanks to the childminder for that one). I find him constantly accompanying me to the loo in order to try and better determine my biology. He finds it beyond hilarious that ‘mummy doesn’t have a welly’ (I don’t like to correct him, welly is so much funnier), and that I sit down to do a wee ‘cos I can’t aim propley.’ But now he’s constantly trying to ascertain where it is that the baby is going to ‘pop’ out from.

The other day, my neighbour said to him, “What would you like to be when you’re older?” to which he replied  “A grownup.” Genius. However I’m thinking maybe a career in midwifery may be his calling. Only yesterday he called me over to show me his ‘special cushion.’ “It’s for when your baby pops out, mummy,” he explained. “When she pops out, I’m going to catch her on this cushion.” Wonder if this early catch would count towards his midwife qualification target later in life? And maybe third babies do hurtle out. I’d be quite happy with that. High five.

*PS. silly point is a cricket fielding position. In case any further proof were needed that cricket is utter nonsense.

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