inventions

June 20, 2011 § 11 Comments

This week, the ever inventive Kate asks what are the 5 inventions you wish were real? Here are mine:

Self changing nappy machine
Like a slide that runs the length of the bannisters. You stick your infant at the top and with a small push watch the child squeal with delight as (s)he falls into a tube to be popped out at the other end completely clean and dry, changed and free of nappy rash. Evil nappy magically recycled too. Maybe a cup of tea could be dispensed at the same time from a separate part of the mechanism.

Organic sleeping gas
A bit like that purple gas that fills the room in old episodes of Batman. Only it would be made from organic ingredients, maybe a rare form of lavender trodden into a pulp by rural Macedonian farm hands who are all paid more than the minimum wage. Whatevs. As long as it alleviates my conscience and knocks children out 7-7. A feat neither of mine ever manage to achieve.

Unbreakable mobile phone
My new iphone ‘back’ button has broken. My last two Nokias failed me. Please someone, save me from going to another Orange/T-mobile shop, perching on the uncomfortable stool for two hours doing my best mournful eyes in the hope that one of the assistants will deign to give me five minutes of their precious time. Only to tell me that the sand/water/suncream/yoghurt that has clogged my phone and rendered it unusable sadly means that it is not under warrantee.

Real Bwcas’
I remember stories about Bwcas’ from my childhood. They are weird Welsh fairies that like to tidy houses (actually this sounds a bit like my mum). I’m hoping someone might invent some soon. I’m happy to offer my house up for any experiments that would aid breakthroughs in this area of medical science.

Alcohol that does not cross the placenta, or get into breastmilk
I’ll admit it. I like a drink. The worst thing about being pregnant/breastfeeding? Not being able to drink much. Obviously I wouldn’t abuse this product when in charge of a small child. I’d still make sure I could see the cot to put the baby to bed. Trust me, I’d be responsible. OK? Also, if I could also borrow Kate’s non hangover alcohol, or somehow amalgamate the two, this would be a bonus. And if the sleeping gas could run until 8 on a Saturday morning, happy days.

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