Occupation? House elf.
July 6, 2011 § 4 Comments
The health visitor waddled over to check up on me yesterday. I say waddled because she was morbidly obese – surely slightly odd as a professional responsible for promoting health and wellbeing? I chose not to mention it.
Said health visitor also sounded like a character from that Victoria Wood sketch about a health farm, placing the emphasis heavily on the first syllable of her words, and going up at the end of her sentences. “How’s BAYbee? How’s MUMmy doing then?”
Everything is fine with me and the BAYbee. But she clearly had a script she had to stick to, and not much skill at preamble before launching into some rather personal questions. It went a bit like this:
“So is BAYbee feeding well? LOVElee…”
“Have you ever had a violent relationship?”
“How many soiled nappies is BAYbee doing a day?”
“Are you prone to depression? LOVElee…”
“Did you have a happy childhood?”
Now I can appreciate that she was trying to conduct a risk assessment based on my mental health and wellbeing, and my attitude towards my own upbringing. But perhaps she could have softened the questions somewhat by saying “Now I’m sorry that I have to ask you this” or some such thing. As it was I found myself replying with unhelpful one word answers – a bit like a petulant teenager, really.
The icing on the cake was when she asked me my occupation.
“Are you still a marketing manager?”
“Er, well, no…” I reply. “I’m a stay-at-home-mum for now.”
“HOUSEwife. LOVElee,” she says.
“Really?” I say, “Do you have to write that? Because, erm, actually, I’m not a wife, you know.”
She thinks for a minute then replies: “Houseperson.” She writes it down with a triumphant flourish of her pen.
Houseperson? Houseperson?! How is this a description of my occupation? A person that resides in a house? What’s wrong with “full-time-mum”? Next time I am resolved to say “House elf.”